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Thoughts & Writings on Marriage and Parenting
Most people don’t walk around thinking, “I’m avoiding my emotions”. In the work of Pia Mellody, Terry Real, and other relational therapists, emotional avoidance isn’t seen as a flaw. It’s seen as an “adaptation”, a survival strategy. A strategy that very much helped you function, cope, “survive” and stay connected in environments where emotions didn’t feel safe, welcome, or manageable.
Why Childhood Roles Still Shape Us Today
Did you know that the roles you played in your family as a child are still influencing your relationships today, and it’s often in ways you don't even realize! Maybe you were the high-achieving Hero, the invisible Lost Child, or the blamed Scapegoat. Whatever the case, these roles shaped your emotional world and coping strategies. In this post, we’ll break down these three roles, why they develop, and how they can show up in your adult life and relationships.
Have you ever noticed how much your kids mirror your mood? They literally mirror everything we do! When you’re stressed, they’ll seem more on edge, and when you’re calm, they’ll settle more easily. Children are like little sponges - they absorb the emotional energy around them, and as a parent, you are their first and most influential teacher.
If you struggle with control issues, chances are good you might have grown up in an environment where things were chaotic or felt out of control. Or, on the other end you might have grown up in an environment where things were overly rigid - which is really a state of being “too in control”. This type of control is driven by fear.
Everyone expresses different levels of self-esteem. Some people are extremely confident, while others lack confidence. True self esteem is the ability to see yourself as a flawed imperfect human and still hold yourself in warm regard. It is emotionally knowing that you, and everyone else has inherent worth just for living.
When you are arguing with your spouse, chances are, you are really trying to get a need met. Maybe it's that you want to feel heard, and you want your spouse to understand your perspective. However, the way you've been going about it might be sabotaging your relationship, perhaps your spouse gets defensive, and the two of you end up going around in circles.
