Feeling a bit disconnected from your wife and kids? Learn how covert depression, emotional withdrawal, and old family patterns keep men stuck, and how to build real emotional closeness again!
You’re a good man. You work hard, you provide for your family, you want to see them happy, and you try to do what’s right.
But lately, it feels like nothing you do is enough. Your wife says you seem distant. You want to connect, but when she tries to talk…it feels like a lot! Then you either withdraw or shut down.
If that sounds familiar, you’re certainly not the only husband who’s felt this way.
This pattern is something many men struggle with, it’s what Terry Real, couples therapist and author of I Don’t Want to Talk About It, calls covert depression. It’s not about looking “sad” or “weak.” It’s about disconnection from your own emotions, and from the people you love most.
Why Men Struggle with Emotional Connection
From a young age, most boys are taught to “man up,” “be strong,” and push down vulnerability.
That emotional training often turns into emotional suppression.
As adults, men who have learned to disconnect from their feelings can appear calm, logical, or even indifferent, but underneath, there’s often loneliness, resentment, and exhaustion.
This covert depression doesn’t always look like sadness. It can show up as:
Irritability or quick temper
Numbing out with work, screens, or alcohol
Shutting down during conflict
Avoiding difficult conversations
Feeling unseen or unappreciated by your partner
You do care. It’s just that you were never shown how to care in a way that feels connected.
The Cycle of Disconnection
Here’s how the cycle plays out:
Your wife brings up a problem, shares a feeling, or asks for more closeness.
You hear criticism. You hear you’re failing. And deep down your nervous system interprets it as danger.
So you try to explain, share reasons (get defensive), and then when that doesn’t work you withdraw and go silent.
The more you pull away, the more she pursues.
The more she pursues, the more you pull away.
And suddenly, you’re two good people trapped in a painful dance neither of you meant to start.
What Connection Really Requires
Emotional connection doesn’t mean turning into someone you’re not! As Terry Real would say, your feelings never left you, you left them. It means learning the skills your upbringing might not have taught you, like:
Naming what you feel instead of hiding it
Listening without defending yourself
Repairing quickly when things go off the rails
Letting your partner in instead of shutting them out
In Terry Real’s words, “Real strength is the courage to stay open.”
That’s what builds trust, safety, and intimacy in marriage, not perfection, but openness.
How to Begin the Work
If you’re ready to break this cycle, start small:
Notice your body: When conflict rises, can you feel the tightness in your chest or the heat in your face? Or, has your breathing shifted (short small breaths vs longer slower breaths)? This is your signal to pause, not to lash out or shut down.
Name the feeling: Even if it’s just “I feel overwhelmed right now.”
Repair when needed: “Hey, I shut down earlier and I want to try again.”
Get curious: What did you learn about emotions and relationships growing up? And how might that still be shaping you now?
Healing isn’t about blaming yourself or others at all. it’s about understanding. When you understand yourself better, you show up differently for your wife and kids.
The Payoff
When men learn to reconnect emotionally, everything changes.
You stop feeling like a bystander in your own marriage.
You stop feeling like you’re failing the people you love.
And you start feeling alive again! Present, grounded, and capable of creating real closeness at home.
Because the truth is: your family doesn’t need a perfect man. They need you - open, connected, and willing to grow.
If this hits home for you, you don’t have to do it alone.
I help men and couples rebuild emotional connection from the inside out, so you can stop walking on eggshells and start feeling like a team again.