Control can show up in very subtle ways. Here are some ways that you might be controlling without even realizing it!
Do any of these resonate with you:
“I’m just going to have to do it myself”
Resentment for always being the responsible one.
Trying to be perfect / live in perfection (so that other people do not see your flaws)
High expectations.
Attempts to get other people to behave a certain way to ease your own comfort.
Known for being rigid and uptight.
Needing things done a certain way - your way - for your own comfort.
Pointing out other peoples’ mistakes - because you’re trying to help them.
Micro managing situations.
Feeling angry and/or resentful because nobody appreciates what you do.
Often feeling the need to “get things under control”.
Can show up as people-pleasing, saying ‘yes’ when you mean ‘no’, and/or needing to be liked.
If any of these statements resonated with you, you might consider looking at how control shows up in your life.
This is called a “Negative Control Issue”, and it’s about controlling the reality of others’ for your own comfort. In other words, if people would just behave they way I’d like, and do what I need them to do, I would feel a lot less anxious.
So what drives the need for control?
Control is driven by shame and fear. You attempt to control others and your relationships with others in order to feel a sense of safety and/or to avoid being revealed as inadequate.
This is often an internal shame struggle to look good and perfect, and to feel accepted. Because, subconsciously, deep down you feel that anything less than perfect will be rejected.
Let go of control with these 3 tips:
Build a tolerance level to the discomfort! Get in touch with what you are feeling when things are “out of control”. Focus inward, not outward towards others. What are you feeling in your body, and what are your feelings, and what are the deep down thoughts creating those feelings?
Embrace TRUST & FAITH.
Stay in the present moment by asking yourself what do you know to be true right now in this moment.
Recognizing and moving through those painful feelings will help you heal, because when you are in control mode, you are denying your own pain.
**Boundary reminder: this is not a one-size fits all page. Everyone’s experience and situation is unique and the information that I share may not be relevant to your specific situation (especially abuse, active addictions, or untreated serious mental health conditions). I will always encourage good boundaries! Take in what’s true for you and leave out the rest.