Emotional maturity is so important for cultivating healthy relationships. It creates a secure attachment bond, and functional relationship dynamics. Unfortunately, many of us were raised by parents who are emotionally immature. And, I want to throw out a disclaimer right away - this article is in no way meant to place blame on parents. I believe that most parents do the best they can and are completely unaware of the generational patterns that they are passing down. Which is probably why you’re here! Maybe you have realized, or are realizing that what you learned about relationships while growing up is not working in your adult life. Keep reading for 7 signs you grew up with emotionally immature parents.
When things didn’t go the way your parent wanted it to, or if you did not behave in a way that your parent approved of, they coped by acting in a child-like way. This could like like emotional outbursts, adult “temper tantrums”, giving you the silent treatment or taking on the victim role by blaming or criticize others. The ADULT IMPACT for you, is that you might struggle with avoiding conflict at all costs, walling off, becoming emotionally activated when things don't go as planned, overly rigid, or you might have a hard time taking responsibility for your own behavior.
When you experienced something stressful, a parent always made the issue about them, or they either denied or minimized how you were feeling. The ADULT IMPACT for you, is that you might struggle with empathy, you might center conversations around your experience, you might give unsolicited advice, you might be uncomfortable with big emotions in others’, or you might deny or minimize another person’s emotions.
Your parents confided in you about their relationship, their problems such as, sex, work, their own friendships. The ADULT IMPACT this could have on you, is that you might struggle with boundaries. You might overshare information, or take on the “caretaker/therapist'“ role in your own relationships.
Talking with your parents has felt very one sided. You share something important to you and they either change the subject or talk about themselves. The ADULT IMPACT this may have had on you is that you might find yourself in relationships with people who are emotionally unavailable or dismissive of you.
Your parents invalidated your feelings or experiences regularly - “you have no idea how good you have it”, “Things could be much worst”, “yeah, well when I was little….”, or “That didn’t actually happen”. The ADULT IMPACT is that you will have a hard time really knowing your own reality and really knowing if you can trust yourself.
Your parents have used guilt or shame to “get” you to do something, which could look something like them saying, “you owe us” or that you need to do things for them because of all the sacrifices they made for you. The ADULT IMPACT is that you might become a chronic people pleaser, or feel a lot of pressure to meet the needs of others because if you don’t you’ll feel an overwhelming amount of guilt or shame.
Your parents expect you to always be there for them They might even get jealous of your spouse, or friends. The ADULT IMPACT is that you might feel overwhelmed and responsible for your parents’ happiness. You might feel nervous introducing them to new friends, or you might feel guilt for doing things outside the family.
As I mentioned above, this is not meant to place blame on anyone. You are responsible for your own healing. Your parents are human and doing the best they can with the level of maturity that they have. If you resonate with any of these I’d love to help you break these patterns so they don’t get passed down to future generations. Book your appointment today.
**Boundary Reminder: this is not a one size fits all page. Everyone’s experience and situation is unique and the information that I share on here might not be relevant to your specific situation (especially abuse, active addictions, or untreated serious mental health conditions). I will always encourage good boundaries! Which means, take in what’s true for you, and leave out the rest.