Everyone expresses different levels of self-esteem. Some people are extremely confident, while others lack confidence. True self esteem is the ability to see yourself as a flawed imperfect human and still hold yourself in warm regard. It is emotionally knowing that you, and everyone else has inherent worth just for living.
The thing that surprises most people about self esteem is that BOTH shame (feeling one down/ less than), AND grandiosity (feeling one up/better than), are both issues that are rooted in dysfunctional self esteem. It’s hard to imagine the seemingly “overconfident” one up person having issues with self esteem, but it's surprisingly true, and this is how that looks:
Both shame and grandiosity are fueled by the same emotion, which is contempt.
Grandiosity is contempt outward & shame is contempt inward.
Grandiosity sounds like:
"Look at Joe, he's such a moron"
"Joe is such idiot"
"What's wrong with him, I can’t believe he did that”
Shame sounds like:
"I'm such a mornon"
"I'm such an idiot"
"What's wrong with me, look at what I did I am the worst person ever”
See how there’s only one difference in those statements. One is directed outward and the other is directed inward.
You can think of grandiosity and shame on a spectrum. Think of a vertical line where "grandiosity/better than" is on the top, "shame/less than" is on the bottom, and the healthy center is in the middle.
It is not uncommon to spike from "shame" to "grandiosity" pretty quickly. We might feel shame for split second, and then react to the shame by going one up.
For example:
You find out your friend is going on vacation next week.
You (often subconsciously) feel a jolt of shame because your friend’s travel plans quickly remind you that you have not gone on vacation in a while.
You react to your internal feeling of shame by going one up and telling your friend all of the amazing vacations that you have been on in the past.
In the moment, going "one up" feels good, it's like a high or a quick fix to avoiding the shame that got triggered in you.
Grandiosity is usually a reaction to shame. Someone might feel "less than" one second, and then in the next second go "one up". We either feel bad about ourselves or better than others.
The goal is to get to the “healthy center” which is to feel "same as"/inherent worth - meaning, nobody is "less than" or "better than" anyone else. It's knowing we are all humans with different gifts, talents, and weaknesses. Your strengths should not be used by you to make up that you are better than others. Strengths are gifts from God that ease your journey. Your weaknesses teach you wisdom. Learn from your weaknesses instead of making up that something is wrong with you.
Healthy grandiosity looks something like:
"I know I'm a better tennis player than joe, but being a better tennis player does not make me a better person"
Healthy shame is embarrassment, which looks like:
"I behaved badly, and although what I did was wrong, it doesn't make me a bad person".
One last thing to note is that we ALL have issues with self esteem by going one up and one down. Everyday we are making judgments about ourselves and others. We do this so automatically that half of the time we don't even realize it. The goal is to recognize when we are being judgmental towards others or to ourselves and then breathe and talk ourselves down from the "one up" or up from the "one down" - which looks something like this:
"I am not better or worse than anyone else on this planet"
"Everyone has inherent worth just for living and breathing on this planet"
"My gifts and strengths don't make me better than anyone"
"I behaved poorly and will make amends/apologize, and that does not make me a bad person"
"Just because I'm not as good as _______ doesn't mean I'm any less than him/her"
"I made a mistake, I am human, we all make mistakes"
Issues rooted in self esteem will deeply affect your relationships because you cannot be relational from a one up or one down place. If you’re chronically one down you’ll come across as desperate, needy, walled off or withdrawn. And, if you’re chronically one up, you’ll be offensive and off-putting to others. Both stances perpetuate generational dysfunction. If this is you, check out my website and book an appointment today.
**Boundary Reminder: This is not a one size fits all page. Everyone’s experience and situation is unique and the information that I share on here might not be relevant to your specific situation (especially abuse, active addiction, or untreated mental health conditions). I will always encourage good boundaries! This means take in what’s true for you and leave out the rest.