I used to joke that life would be so much easier if people would just do what I wanted! Right?! Unfortunately, we all know that it doesn't work that way. Control will especially kick in to high gear when life feels so out of control.
If you struggle with control issues, chances are good you might have grown up in an environment where things were chaotic or felt out of control. Or, on the other end you might have grown up in an environment where things were overly rigid - which is really a state of being “too in control”. This type of control is driven by fear.
Do any of these thoughts sound familiar to you:
I’d be far less stressed if only he'd...
If she really loved me she’d...
If only he would [fill in the blank] I'd feel so much better
What she really needs to do is [insert your wise opinion]
When you don't want to deal with your own emotional discomfort you’ll go into control mode by trying to "get" other people to behave in a way that makes you feel better.
Basically, you’ll try to "get" your spouse or kids to be who they ought to be, or who they ought to become -- all for your own comfort.
And when they don't comply you get mad and blame them for not doing what they should be doing. Again -- for your own comfort, which is really your inability to be comfortable with own big emotions.
This type of control can really come from a good place. The problem is that you are not dealing with your own emotions which means that the anxiety will only get worse as time goes on.
The interesting part is that we pick people who we think will heal the old wounded parts of us.
Deep down we think that with this person we can finally be happy. Of course, this is never the case because we’re all imperfect humans and not one can be there for us in the exact ways that we need.
So, ironically, the only way to GET control is to GIVE UP control.
Recognizing and moving through painful - anxiety provoking feelings is the path to healing.
Control mode is a coping mechanism to deny your own pain because it’s easier to tell others what to do instead.
Notice and be aware of your emotions by paying attention to what are you feeling in your body?
Build a tolerance level to the discomfort of things happening how they happen!
Let go of the outcome.
Just let the bad thing happen (within reason). Some example statements to consider could look something like:
So what if my kids want to pour their own milk and it spills?
So what if my husband/wife is insisting on doing something a certain way (even if I know it could be done better)?
So what if Thanksgiving dinner isn’t perfectly set up my way because others want to help out.
So what if my kids are acting a little out of control at the moment - it looks like they are having fun.
Healing happens when you look internally. Notice the anxiety you feel and breathe through it. You are making space for other people to have their own reality. Remind yourself that you do not get to decide what’s best for other adults. This is hard work! And if you’re struggling I would love to help you break this pattern. Schedule a time to meet right here.
**Boundary Reminder: this is not a one-size-fits-all page. Everyone’s experience and situation is unique and the information that I share on here might not be relevant to your specific situation (especially abuse, active addictions, or untreated serious mental health conditions). I will always encourage good boundaries!