Most people don’t walk around thinking, “I’m avoiding my emotions.”
Instead, we say things like:
“I don’t know .”
“I just get overwhelmed.”
“I’m fine”
“I’d rather not go there.”
“Let’s talk about this later” (and then never bring “it” up again)
Or we just say nothing, and retreat
Underneath all of that, there’s often a lifetime of learning how to disconnect from emotional experience.
In the work of Pia Mellody, Terry Real, and other relational therapists, emotional avoidance isn’t seen as a flaw. It’s seen as an “adaptation”, a survival strategy. A strategy that very much helped you function, cope, “survive” and stay connected in environments where emotions didn’t feel safe, welcome, or manageable.
But here’s the catch:
The very strategies that helped you survive earlier in life can really disrupt your relationships today.
So let’s dig into it…
What Is Emotional Avoidance?
This is basically any behavior, either conscious or unconscious, that helps you not fully feel what’s happening inside of you. The kicker is, you often don’t even realize you’re doing it!
This can look like:
Numbing out
Changing the subject
Intellectualizing
Or even being the “funny one”
Denying…”I'm fine”, “nothing’s wrong”, “I'm not angry” (as your tone and body language says the opposite)
I am going to repeat this again… this is SO subtle you don’t even realize you’re doing it.
Let’s look at a few of the most common ways avoidance shows up.
1. Sarcasm: Humor That Keeps People at a Distance
Sarcasm can be clever, funny, and socially rewarded. Personally, I’m a fan of sarcasm…but there is a time and place for it!
Sarcasm is funny, and it can also function as a shield.
Instead of saying:
“That actually hurt my feelings.”
It comes out as:
“Wow, yeah, thanks a lot. Super thoughtful.”
Or, this can come out when your partner is trying to tell you something a bit more serious, and your reply is to make light of it with sarcasm.
Sarcasm allows you to:
Express something indirectly
Avoid vulnerability
Stay emotionally protected
Over time, if this is done excessively, it can create confusion and distance in relationships because the real feeling and vulnerability never get’s addressed.
2. Holding Your Breath: The Body’s Way of Shutting It Down
This one is incredibly subtle and incredibly powerful.
When emotions start to rise, many people unconsciously:
Hold their breath
Take shallow breaths
Or tighten their chest
Forget to breathe
Have trouble taking a full breath
Why is that?
Because breath is directly connected to emotional experience.
When you restrict your breathing, you also restrict what you feel.
This is especially common with:
Anxiety
Anger
Grief
Your body is essentially saying:
“This is too much. Let’s shut it down.”
Over time, this can really affect your physical health. Chronically holding your breath can put you into a state of fight or flight that keeps your body stuck in hyper-vigilance.
3. Talking Fast: Outrunning What You Feel
Have you ever noticed yourself speeding up your words when something uncomfortable comes up, or when you find yourself irritated?
Talking fast can be a way to:
Avoid pauses (where feelings might surface)
Stay in control of the conversation
Move past discomfort as quickly as possible
It keeps everything on the surface because if you slow down…
you might actually feel something.
4. The “Wall of Words”: When Talking Becomes a Defense
This is one I see all the time in couples work.
Instead of connecting, one partner becomes a wall of words:
Over-explaining
Over-justifying
Talking in circles
Flooding the conversation with information
It can sound like communication, but it’s actually a form of emotional protection.
Underneath all those words is often something much simpler (and more vulnerable), like:
“I feel hurt.”
“I feel scared.”
“I don’t feel important right now.”
“I feel like I don’t matter.”
Actually saying these things feels far more exposed and vulnerable than explaining everything.
Why All of This Matters in Your Relationships
When we avoid our emotions, we don’t just disconnect from ourselves, we disconnect from the people we love.
Real connection requires emotional presence.
If you can’t access your hurt, your fear, or your needs/wants, your partner can’t respond to them.
Instead, they’re left responding to:
Sarcasm
Defensiveness
Over-talking
Shutdown
And this is where couples often get stuck in repetitive, frustrating cycles.
The Goal Isn’t to “Feel Everything Perfectly”
Let’s be clear, this isn’t about becoming endlessly emotional or perfectly self-aware overnight.
Just start to notice:
“How do I move away from what I feel?”
And slowly practice something different.
You might start with:
Slowing your breath
Pausing before responding
Naming one honest feeling
Letting there be a moment of silence
Small shifts like this will create big changes over time.
A New Way Forward: From Avoidance to Awareness
If you’ve been avoiding your emotions, it doesn’t mean you can’t feel, it means you adapted. Your feelings never left you…you left them.
And now, you have the opportunity to learn something new:
How to stay present with yourself
How to tolerate emotional discomfort and have hard conversations
How to communicate from a more honest place
This is the work of becoming more relationally authentic with yourself and with others.
If you’re noticing these patterns in your relationship, let me help.
I work with individuals and couples to better understand and heal emotional patterns, break cycles of disconnection, and build deeper, more secure relationships